22

so i didn't take the drops today and won't tomorrow.so my body will be cleaned off of hcg. and will try some kind of a diet on thursday i guess
today was already not all that great. the urges and binges are coming back and it sucks.
i went for my walk at least. it was wonderful. perfect day and breeze.
really hope i can keep up with it. im horrified. this never worked why would it be any different :[ only 40 lbs to go bleh

lil cereal snack 80 calx2
half of a tuna salad-cracker combo 100cal
ribs for lunch and 2 fries. yes 2! they were tiny and skinny too :/
sorbet scoop
light frozen yogurt like a table spoon
pear

day 21

ok supposedly this is the last day but i'm thinking i'm not sure i want to stop specially because this weekend i ate so much and messed up big time, i don't even want to weight myself or anything. i'm suppose to go without the drops for extra 2 days and still eating only 500 calories.

today i was suppose to start my 5 mile walk, but it's raining and i'm kind of sick. i was going to go anyway but i don't feel like getting pneumonia. so i'm thinking if i will keep taking the drops or just start to eat right and try to work out. even though that hasn't happened in 23 years why would it work now :[

whole wheat pocket, turkey

crystal light

light popcorn

drops (forgot to take in the morning)

fish

pear

scoop of sorbet

not even sure how i feel. i know i need to be positive but it's pretty hard, not much hope ha

day 19

this is almost over and i kind of want to keep going for another 20 days but i keep "cheating" so i need to make some changes. it seems so simple but it's been 23 years and its the same thing :[ not only am i horrified of life and not being successful. not losing weight scares me even more. everybody does it y can't i?
i didn't keep track of my eating. deff more. i had bread. and even calamari ugh being at work messes everything up :\ and so stressful just sucks that u can't lean on anybody in life and it gets to me sometimes and food is my thing and so is alcohol so calories wise this is just all bad. bleh
life really needs to change, just wanna throw everything in the air and act like i dont care even thou everything bothers and upsets me so much.
just rambling, doesn't mean anything. these stupid thoughts in my head that keep me up all night..

day 16

drops
whole wheat pocket laughing cow cheese and ham sandwich
popcorn
a donut :[ yea i know
a pear

how i'm feeling:
i'm thinking about joining a 5 mile marathon for beginners if that doesn't motivate me i can give up because i will deff never lose weight in life lol. we'll see what happens..

day 15

drops
small tortilla
laughing cow cheese
1/2 spn of ketchup
1 slice of ham
2 cookies

how im feeling:
i let myself down a lot, and i feel like i sabotage myself. i take food as a award. today i weight myself i was actually 10lbs lost in the 15 days so far but im just so horrified of gaining the weight back which isn't much to begin with! i got pants from victoria secret size 12, but its small size, but also stretchy, and it fits great. and i felt so good, but how do i reward myself? with cookies, i just can't help it. i feel that i need to want this more. i'm pretty satisfied with my body most of the time, until i take a picture and i'm so disgusted with myself. and having a mom that would do anything to see you skinny doesn't help. i can't blame things on my mom i understand, but at least your parents are suppose to think you're good enough, and it's not the case at all.
i see the commercials for jenny craig, and weight watchers, and how skinny they look. i can never picture myself like that, idk if it's a good thing or not. but being over weight for 23 years and changing like that isn't so easy.. i feel like my dream of being a pastry chef was put in the back of my mind just because i would eat and be fat if i followed my dream, sounds kind of sick to give something up that you love so much just because of looks. ugh just frustrating..

actually day 14

so one more week. n no more than 5 lbs gone boooooooooooooo maybe this week another 5 it'd be good..
its only 5 oclock n i've ran out of calories for the day lol

drops
whole wheat pocket
laughin cow cheese
turkey
popcorn
2 kitkats 70 cal each..
1 scoop of light frozen yogurt

how i'm feeling:
i guess im expecting a miracle, i wish i was like 20lbs lighter, but i guess i cheat sometimes and it doesnt work like that. i let myself down a lot but o well. as i've said before food is one of the few good things in my life right now so it's hard to let it go.. :[

day 12?

i'm losing track of this.. haven't posted because it's pretty hard to keep track of what i eat when i'm working :[ friday and saturday i did good. i mean i had maybe one little fried thing which yea bad, but again its 1 so calories wise its not bad.
however today i ate cake, a piece, and fish which is good, but had sauce so deff went over my calories and the cake gave me a tummy ache and made me feel sick so even thou really good cake not sure it was very worth it lol
i'm starting to feel some difference in my clothes which is good but lbs wise its not going too far, not much difference :\
we'll see how the rest of the days go, just 8 more and not much weight gone kind of dissapointed. i'm even thinking of doing 40 days, idk if i can control myself and count calories like a normal person bleh
i'm pretty lonely, sunday night after working all weekend, not much contact with anybody, i can't help to think if i was smaller things would be different, i'd have somebody to at least hang out once a week the end of the day. i just want somebody who thinks im good enough as i am, and says i dont need to change anything but just as i am is not gonna happen. i guess thats asking for too much lol

day 10

drops
banana
frozen meal but didnt eat peas or gravy lol
orange
apple
light turkey
2 tbs of frozen yogurt :[
some rice crisps
popcorn

how i feel:
well i put my food intake at sparknotes but i cant edit things out and exact quantity so i dont think the calories are very on point but its ok
i know i ate more than i should but not that much i've been around 600 cals a day instead of 500 bleh. work tomorrow hopefully i'll do good because its hard to say no to food when its in your face all night and day ha i need to be a little more strict with this. i've lost lbs but not inches which im not a fan i want to see difference in my clothes already..

day 9

drops
breakfast- sandwich light bread turkey
lunch- light bread turkey and avocado.
1/2 of a baklava lol it really wasn't worth it, when i make it its way better
few rice crisps snacks
apple
light popcorn

how i'm feeling:
ok for the most past. i went over the 500 calories because even thou avocado is good for you and everything, this is about calories, and avocado has a lot of calories :\ and i had no reason to eat popcorn at the end of the day (which adds about 100 calories) but i felt like it. good enough reason? lol im pretty excited about moving hopefully everything will go as its suppose to. and by than i will start my 1200 cal and doing at least 1 video a day. i'm going to get zumba because dancing is not so boring and should keep me motivated. :] i wish i had a phone that i could get spark people application on it so it would calculate my calories as i'm eating instead of me having to go online and doing the whole day's worth but it always gotta be the hard way for me lol

day 8

well last night i did have a few drinks which im horrified to find out each had about 200+ calories each so i screwed up big time! i had 3 smirnoff ices i seriously didn't think it was that bad but damn :[

what i ate:
drops
light bread with turkey
quaker rice crisps cheddar 2 serving which is about 140 cals together
light bread with small lean meat patty n a slice of turkey
orange

how i'm feeling:
not bad im disappointed i messed up that bad with the drinks, i'm doing ok enough with food but keeping in these 500 cal with the drinks isn't happening, so that needs to stop too even thou i dont really drink, it just so happened i drank twice this week and it was very caloric bleh.
i'm been arguing a lot with my mom, been very stressed over life lately, its been tough. i do know i need to focus my attention on other thing because my emotions do get to me and food deff is there for the comfort. i really want to say i'm ok with myself looking like this, even thou i think i'm beautiful and got curves and everything, just wish they were in smaller portions..
once i move into our new place i will start to make video posts on youtube, maybe knowing that its online and somebody might actually see it, it'll encourage me to see the progress.

day 7; realization

i haven't really weighted myself specially because my scale is not digital or anything so not very trustworthy. but maybe i lost 5lbs. just guessing.

drops
sandwich light whole wheat bread, turkey
crystal light
light popcorn
jello
turkey
apple

how i'm feeling:
my realization is that this might never quite work out the way its suppose to. the main rule about succeeding for anything is support, and i feel like i don't have any at all. "why you eating that i saw u eating all day?" i swear my mom would be so happy if i was anorexic and bulimic. she's a really good person don't take me wrong, just me being like this is not what she had imagined in life i guess. and "i don't understand why you cant just eat normal and exercise" from other people also piss me off, if it was that simple i wouldn't be like this. so, it just makes me feel like i'm the moron because its so simple! ugh i have eaten healthy and done kickbox for months at a time and not lost anything. i don't need to explain anything to anybody, its just frustrating. just needed to babble for a bit.. i might go drink as if it makes it better ha

day 6.

disaster day. started out drinking well the night b4 not during the day and today i dont even remember what i actually ate

flank steak.
1 cordon blue snack size ball ha
1 crab claw thing. these both were fried so horrible
2 crab ragu
n even had a tiny piece of cake.
ended the day with an apple ha

how i'm feeling:
i'll be back on track tomorrow. doing better. im regretting not doing something has nothing to do with the diet. i dont know what is worse, regret something you've done or something that could be good and you didnt do? humm who knows, i'll probably never get another good oportunity with this ugh! dummy lol

day 5..

drops
sugar free strawberry jello
orage
beef
drinks :[ it was like amaretto sour and vodka pinnaple it was bad n full of sugar :[

how im feeling:
not too bad, but the drinks deff got to me. its full of sugar and calories but i felt like drinking so it is what it is. tomorrow i'm working a chinese wedding which is suppose to have fresh delicious food so we'll see how that goes :P ha

day 4, 18 to go

ready to give up lol

drops
strawberry sugar free jello
turkey
apple
2 crab ragu (50 cal each)
2 lil chicken cordon blue this is really bad :[
turkey
licked icing off my hand haha :[
few drinks.

how i feel:
pretty much done with this. and at work is 1000 times more difficult because theres food everywhere and im hungry. i mean i can be full of water, but everybody knows how full filled u fill with water '-.- lol hope i can last the week. but even when im done with this im pretty ready to cut down to 1200 cal and i should be ok so looking forward to it :]

day 3, 18 more

day 3, i'm feeling very discouraged, i don't feel like i've lost anything at all. it doesn't help that my mom comes and grabs my stomach says it has never been so big, on a daily basis. i thought that at least i wouldn't feel so bloaded since i haven't been eating much. so yea..

woke up late today
drops
grilled ribs, no sauce or anything. lettuce
crystal light
80 cal yogurt
apple
turkey
light fat free popcorn-snack size

how i'm feeling:
if i happen to die after i do this, i'm going to be very pissed i didn't get to eat anything good on my last days! lol

2 days down. 19 more to go

day 2 of the hcg diet.

woke up: 7am!
drops
water
early snack: sugar free strawberry jello
snack: light fat free popcorn snack size
crystal light-water
lunch: chicken (didn't have any veggies, because i figured i had the popcorn earlier so wouldn't go over the calories)
80 cal yogurt (pretty sure not suppose to have any dairy either)
water
dinner: turkey. apple

how i'm feeling:
ok so far, i have a decent amount of energy, more than usual i guess. usually when i wake up early, by noon i'm crashing, but i was good. temptation is getting harder, maybe because there's ton of sweets at home, but im told that im the one on this diet, and its not their problem. great to have their support, i know! lol i started incorporating my own things already, like the popcorn and sugar free jello, but still keeping it under 500 calories.

my days have been pretty stressful. got another disappointing news, and first thing on my mind was food! i need comfort! but i didn't. instead, i took a nap. just because i know the reason why i eat doesn't really change the fact that i want to eat and it still comforts me so kinda sucks :\ and of course its delicious and never disappoints! :D

lets see

just to keep it a journal see how long i last on this hcg diet. i dont have much hope for my selfcontrol ha. eventually i will turn this into a cooking blog :] looking forward to it =D

Day 1:
woke up before 9am.
had my 15 drops. drank water

lunch: salmon patty. brocolli

snack: apple

dinner: chicken breast and collard greens.

drops

snack: straberries

how i feel- so far i had migraines, but i get migraines a lot so i'm not sure if it's from the lack of food or because i get migraines anyway..

lets see how tomorrow goes!